The Random
by QuixoticLover
Summary: My first crackfic. Focus on Mark, but everyone gets in on the comedy moments.


Okay… I don't know what this is. And credit for inspiring me to invent "Clumsiness" goes to the author of RENT: In A Nutshell, ListenNatalie. That parody of the story is amazingly hilarious, and I love it to death.

Disclaimer: I don't own the lovely RENT characters.

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((a meeting room, winter, NYC. Mark and others sitting on chairs set up in a circle))

Mark: Hi, I'm Mark.

Group: Hi Mark.

Mark: Um… I have Clumsiness. I trip over things, and no matter how much I try to stop… I can't. I drop things, and this often prevents me from eating because I drop my food, and I don't believe in the five-second rule. That's why I'm so thin.

Group: It's okay. We're all here because we have Clumsiness and we want help to deal with it.

Mark: (grins) Thanks.

Gregory: Hi, my name is Gregory. I've been part of this group for two years, and it has been one week since the last time I fell down the stairs. I used to fall down once or twice a day, but I thank all of you for supporting me and helping me to regain my balance.

Group: (claps)

John: My name is John. I've been in the group for about a week. I bump into people. I didn't think it was a problem, I even denied that I had a problem with it… but then I realized that I wasn't helping anyone by living in denial. So I thank all of you, and I apologize thoroughly if I ever ran into any one of you.

Group: It's okay. We're here to support you. (claps more)

((after meeting))

Mark: Well… I feel great now! (trips) Ow.

John: (bumps into Mark when he trips) Ack!

Gregory: (falls over as Mark and John run into him) Eek!

Mark: So sorry, guys. I'm really sorry…

Gregory: I'm okay. You okay John?

John: I'm okay. Are you okay Mark?

Mark: I'm fine. Sorry… I tripped. Over my shoes. I'm sorry.

Gregory: It's okay, Mark. We all trip sometimes. Maybe your shoes are too big… that happened to me once. My shoes were a size too big and I kept tripping over my feet and I thought my Clumsiness had progressed into Advanced-Clumsiness…

John: Yeah… do you want to go shoe-shopping?

Mark: I can't afford new shoes. These are actually my roommate's. His name is Roger, and he plays guitar and sings in a band. He's really sexy. (blushes and stumbles again)

Gregory: You need shoes. I'll buy them, because I'm cool like that. (grins happily) So let's go! Do you want to come too, John?

John: Sure. Sounds fun. I might need some new shoes too… (points to extremely worn-out sneakers with pen-writing all over them)

((at shoe-store))

Mark: Um…

Gregory: Let's measure your feet with this little scale-ish thingy! (trips over chair and falls down) Oops!

Store Clerk: Stupid Clumsy people…

John: Go away, stupid person! Yeah, we have clumsiness, but that's no reason to discriminate!

Mark: (pulls out camera. films argument)

Gregory: (watches in amazement)

John: (shoves clerk into a shelf. shoes fall off.)

Manager: What's going on here?

Store clerk: These clumsy people are disrupting our store.

Manager: Shoo!

Mark: Yes, I need new shoes. (smiles and holds up camera) Smile for the camera!

Gregory & John: (laughs)

Manager: No, I mean get out.

Mark: Oh. Okay. Bye then.

John: Hey! We need new shoes! You should at least let us buy shoes…

Manager: Fine. But then you get out!

Mark, Gregory & John: (buys shoes. leaves)

((the loft))

Roger: (mopes. plays guitar. mopes)

Mark: Roggy, I'm home! (runs into room and trips over stuff on the floor. lands on couch on top of Roger. blushes)

Gregory: Hi. You must be Roger. I'm Gregory.

John: And I'm John. We met Mark at the Clumsiness Support group.

Roger: You have Clumsiness?

Mark: (blushes) Yeah.

Roger: OMG you never told me! (single emo tear of betrayal)

Mark: I didn't want you to worry!

Gregory: Marky, you should've told him!

Mark: Since when am I 'Marky?'

John: I want more lines! Rawr!

Roger: Hi. I like you John.

John: Hi Roger. You seem cool. (giggles and waves from across the room)

Mark: Hey back off! I'm the one lying on top of him!

Roger: Speaking of which- get off. (shoves Mark onto the floor) That's better.

Gregory: Why did you do that? Mark said you were sexy!

Roger: oO

Mark: (blushes)

Gregory: You mean you _aren't_ together?

Roger & Mark: No. We're best friends. Although I/he am/is quite sexy.

John: I see… (flirty wink at Roger)

Gregory: John! Leave the nice straight boys alone! (tries to shove John but only succeeds in falling over on top of him)

Roger: Your friends are weird.

Mark: You're telling me… John? Gregory? What's wrong with you two?

John & Gregory: (lies on floor giggling) We found boxers under the coffee table! (holds up plaid boxers)

Roger: Those look like my pants. But they aren't because they're boxers.

Mark: They aren't mine…

Collins: (bursts into room) Happy Clumsiness Awareness Day, bitches! (trips over John and Gregory. falls over)

Gregory: Hey! Do you have Clumsiness too?

Collins: Yep.

John: So does Mark! And us… that's why we're on the floor. By the way, are these your boxers?

Collins: By Jove, they are! Thank you. I was wondering where those went…

Mark: Hi Collins.

Roger: Why are your boxers under our table?

Collins: Long story. No need for you to hear it.

Gregory: OOOOH does it involve sneaking into your friends' loft with your girlfriend while they were out and then having fun on the couch and forgetting your underwear?

John: Teehee.

Collins: Um… sure. Girlfriend… right. Angel wanted me to tell you guys that we're having a party here later tonight. Just thought we'd let you know so you could buy food.

Roger & Mark: WTF Collins! Have the party at your own place for once!

Gregory & John: Can we come too?

Collins: Sure!

Roger & Mark: NOOOOO!

((at the party))

Gregory: I'm drunk! (falls over onto floor)

John: Yes you are! Me too! (falls on top of Gregory)

Mark: This sucks. (drinks Stoli)

Roger: Yeah.

Maureen & Joanne: We're still fighting about nothing in particular! (fights)

Mimi: I'm a stripper druggie! (distracts Roger)

Roger: Yummy.

Mark: (pouts)

Angel: Marky! Let's dance so you'll be less depressed!

Mark: (giggles) Okey dokey!

Mark & Angel: (dance)

Collins: Angel! Dance with _me_ now! (steals Angel from Mark)

Mark: (pouts again)

Mary Sue: Hi! My name is Mary Sue, and I'm your perfect match, Marky! I have a camera and a scarf too, and I love to film on the streets. But I have to sell my films to sleazy TV studios to be able to pay the rent for me and my two sisters who both have Clumsiness.

Mark: I have clumsiness too, and I love you.

Mary Sue: I love you too Marky!

Mark & Mary Sue: (make out. get married. have lots of little RENT-kids)

Roger: I hate you all. (dies)

Mimi: I have no reason to live! (dies too)

Angel: Why am I still here? I should already be dead. Curious… (dies)

Collins: NO! Angel! (dies of broken heart)

Benny: Whee I exist! (is hit by a bus) DAMMIT! (dies)

Maureen: I cheated on Joanne again. (laughs)

Joanne: I kill you! (kills Maureen. goes to prison. is killed in gang-fight)

Gregory: Why was I in the story? Hmmm… (disappears)

John: In case you didn't get it, I'm pretty sure I'm gay. (flirts with male readers. disappears)

Mark: All of my friends are dead and life means nothing to me. (dies)

Mary Sue: WTF? (dies)

RENT-kids: We're exactly the same as our parents so we're boring to write about! So therefore we're going to sing the finale of RENT and bid you adieu! (sings. runs away to be like parents)

THE END. Hopefully.

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Can anyone say "crack-fic?" I can. And I will. Crack-fic! The spawn of sugar and no internet access. Yes. Um… John and Gregory are not based on real people. They are probably alien life-forms that want to eat my brain. And no offense to people who write those RENT-kids stories, but I just don't see the point. Wouldn't they be just like their parents anyway? Oh well. Please review this crappy story so I'll know if it's funny. 


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